Grief brings me feelings of vast incompetence - Notes on survivorship, grief, worthiness

Photo by Kai Fi’ain of The Mollusc Dimension, an East-Asian person with short straight dark hair with shaved sides and a little facial hair. He is wearing a midnight satin jacket, a white shirt and a shiny black geometric necklace. He is looking might p****ed off and holding a keyboard. On the edge of the keyboard nearest to the camera, Scrabble letters spell out “SQUID”.

CONTENT NOTES: survivorship, grief, worthiness

I wonder if other grievers, especially the children of immigrants, or immigrants, struggle with the feeling of incompetence?

For me, grief connects to a feeling of vast incompetence. But I know one thing though. I write good melodies.

Not finding dad. (He was missing and then was found to have died in an accident). Suddenly at age 32 taking on a major role in house maintenance for a house which isn't really mine. Not knowing how to fix, or when I fix, the result is wonky. Then I crashed the car so mum gets a million deliveries and it's my job to crush millions of boxes. Taking and making bereavement calls and writing many emails while navigating various types of transitioning. Transphobia from relatives and public figures. Dealing with my ageing and fastidious mum's daily micro-dramas while not expressing mine. I often think I should just give up trying to be an artist and be a house manager. On some level, I know I did a good job but it still feels like it's “never enough” because this house is old and I have an Asian mum from a certain era.

As young person, people on all sides were cosmetically trying to get me to act more confident without help me with my self-worth. I was told by a headteacher that “I should never tell anyone” if I didn't know what I was doing. That might have worked for her, but it hasn't worked for me. I struggled for years for not knowing what to make of bad experiences because I didn't have the words to describe or the confidence to share them. I'm processing suddenly having THE WORDS for all these things.

As an artist, I also feel incompetent. I'm intrigued seeing my peers (some younger) lecture at universities, as I have a lifelong problem with authorities and institutions and also had negative experiences in higher education. A tutor described my bio as haphazard (which hurt but is true). Maybe one of the reasons I've not yet had a solo show is lack of confidence as well. I have so many ideas I cannot produce them all on my own. If I keep making tiny trails, how can people see my work as a whole?

ONE THING I KNOW THOUGH...

I WRITE GOOD MELODIES...

And I've been working on my voice for the past two months and I'm learning to embody my voice more. My voice-trainer is trauma-informed and every step in the lesson involves choice / consent which is radically different to my other music training.

I want to thank you dear reader for all your support. Everyday I am wondering which of my abundance of ideas to share with you next, while I also recover and grow.

NEWS: July 17th – I'll perform songs at Trans Pride Brighton online!

I'll imagine being by the sea.

Imagination keeps me curious.

PHOTO CREDIT: KAI FI’AIN

Mental health resources

THERAPY

BAATN - The Black, African and Asian therapy network (UK)

Pink Therapy - Gender and Sexual Diversity Therapy in the UK

UK HELPLINES

Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline: 0300 330 0630

Mind Infoline: 0300 123 3393

Samaritans: Call 116 123

If you are not UK based, or if these options don’t work for you, please search for a support line that you can use where you are.

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creativity, mental health, writing, decoloniseeducationThe Mollusc Dimension25 June 2021