Some of my old friends are confused

At the gender clinic, they tell you that transitioning doesn’t solve your problems. They’re right. The wings of the right, and the white soup is all still there. But a lot of things are clearer to me now I’m not also battling misogyny and dysphoria. There are actually words for things that I experienced!

Content notes: recovery and mention of trauma, no details

Recently, I attended a peer—to-peer survivor writing workshop run by Jet Moon. Because I have not yet come across others with my set of circumstances, I wasn’t too sure about whether I was allowed to define as a survivor, yet I felt so strongly drawn to the workshop. It turned out to be very gentle, fulfilling and surpassed my expectations. I will perhaps share another time about my experience. For now, let me just say that my understanding is that there is a great enthusiasm for more like it. After the workshop, and having shared and listened, I am clearer about having experienced trauma and that it is ok to share about it.

Around this time, I have been continued to process through art, but I am feeling a new sense of wanting to share. In this, I have been influenced by the work of artist Rudy Loewe. I bought and read their zines, and attended a zine-making workshop with them held at Open Barbers’ shop in Old Street. More recently I was aware of their mural work. One of the parts of Rudy’s zine that was cataclysmic for me was a mind map about their identity and mental health. For me, classical virtuoso piano training and also illustrator training intersected with the experience of being a British-born East Asian ex-femme, and carrying the pressure burden(s) of perfection. Drawing in pen and adding colour is a different method to how I have created most of my client illustrations which were often digitally drawn. Sharing my mind map feels like a step to sharing about what makes me vulnerable but that I am vulnerable - this admission being one of the strange mutations for an ex- ice queen.

Here is a text transcript of the lists of words in this artwork:

The left column is a list of some of my pre-transition and queer east-asian femme-including experiences

racism homophobia
sexual harassment
misogyny fetishisation
family body image
pressures masking
invisiblisation
micro-aggressions
depression
social anxiety
loneliness

The middle column is a list of my coping strategies

music
trauma
grieving
bereavement
song-writing
video
art
social transition
poetry
zines
performance
survival
processing

The third column, on the right is a list of current experiences and areas I explore

anti-racism LGBTIQA+
black trans inclusive rights
intersectional feminism
smash patriarchy
fetishisation dismantling
pressures masking
local invisiblisation
sensitive easily triggered
reactive rapid response
recovery depression
social anxiety
loneliness

I believe that decolonising education (for all ages) and mental health will help other people like me start to unravel these “binding spells” that have limited our self-beliefs, lives and interactions for so long.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION

Colourful hand-drawn pen artwork with the title as a caption. Under the lettering, two heads and shoulders emerge from a sea of orange on which is written a brainstorm of text which explores what was in the artist’s mind pre and post transition. The figure on the left has long dark purple hair with a fringe and a red spiky collar. The figure on the right has short hair and shaved sides.

Details

The caption is hand lettered with squiggly “punk/horror movie” style squelch lettering and is in fruit candy colours as follows: orange, raspberry pink, lemon yellow plus ketchup/blood red.

Both the figures are wearing bright red tops in the same shade as some of the lettering.

Notes:

My work is occasionally becoming more accessible, and I have gained heightened awareness having been in two shows with blind, non binary drag artist, King Tito Bone / Amelia Cavallo. My efforts are still beginner and I have yet to attend the Accessibiity course offered by Quiplash but I intend to in the future!

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art, creativity, decoloniseeducation, mental health, writing, britishcolonialismThe Mollusc Dimension19 March 2021intersectional feminism, tiny worlds