Photo: A calm or sad looking green countryside from a high view point. In the distance, the hills are grey/blue. There is a winding brown path. The sky is misty. (Unsplash).

CONTENT NOTES: references to suicide attempt, workaholism, intersectional issues

If you look no further than that the fact that I left school with 4 A-levels (AAAB) and 10 GCSES (5 A* and 5A) I become a statistic for “BAME success”. The job of vigorous defenders of “BAME academic success” is to conceal the idea that disadvantage is political. Furthermore, the “model minority” stereotypical studiousness of ESEA (East and South East Asians) can mask serious issues such as mental health and other difficult circumstances. I am living proof of this. As a teacher, I find it very concerning that it’s still happening.

What can I do? How do I begin?

I will explore my messy truth and inspired by Travis Alabanza, there will be challenging questions…

Art by The Mollusc Dimension (Squid), Low Key Zine (2016)

Why did I try and die when I was 16 or 17?

Why is it that I have a postgraduate degree, a BA, a diploma that is the equivalent to a BA, a teaching diploma and a foundation Art diploma from Central St. Martins and I don't even feel like I can run a workshop?

Why is it that I have the qualifications I do, am descended from 2 generations of teachers, and know the things I do, but until recently I never imagined myself teaching at university, getting my writing published by someone other than myself, or as a public speaker?

Maybe I can't blame it all on Iain Duncan Smith, but you know what, he's been the MP here since I was thirteen. He doesn't care if I live or die. He doesn't care what I think. He doesn't care about racism, anti-black racism, misogny, sino-racism, homophobia and transphobia. The list goes on. I write to him and nothing changes. I made a joke to myself that IDS was my dad. If the government is the symbol of a parent, then it follows that IDS was a like a father figure. Maybe he was like an (absent) father figure to my dad. My dad voted for him. My mum voted for whoever my dad voted for. IDS makes fools out of all of us. And although it was sneaky, in the way that the tories work, maybe he had more power over us than our fathers did. His bigoted stance also influenced who knows how many Asian dads (and mums), teachers, bosses and other people with influence over queer young Asians of my area, and beyond. How many of them survived and how do I find the queer Asians (and other BIPOC) of Woodford and Chingford? Am I the only one?

Where's your personal apology to me, for your homophobic stance on Section 28 Sir Iain?

Twenty-seven years. 1993. A doubly unlucky year as I hit puberty.

Researching the history of UK supermarkets (I was writing a poem) I started thinking about timelines. I haven't made one but maybe that's because I have been shamed into erasing myself. But death tells me to go for a walk. A walk through my mind. Death feels like a friend, or at least a weird kind of aunty who I'd like to visit because the toxic culture and society built by men like Iain Duncan Smith has no interest in my existence or opinions. Is that why teenagers (and people of all ages) get so attached to music and screen idols? Because our leaders are failures. Even it's printed in the news that someone is “not fit for the job”, they won't lose it if they're right-wing, straight, cis-men and white. Have you noticed the pattern?

Where does the ESEA stereotype for expressionlessness and being unemotional come from?

It's intergenerational trauma.

It's not just our ethnicity that gives some of us chronic shame and depression. It's the colonial, militarising, capitalist unimagineers who have kept me in the kitchen, in an apron, doing emotional labour, cleaning up after white cishet men's big fails for decades. However, my parents (and my mum who is still alive) thought my depression was inborn. I couldn't find the words to talk about mental health because my education had colonised my mind. My parents accepted that I was depressed but they looked no further. If I write, it will be partly to process, but it will also be to document a lost history. The people of my generation are either busy parents or too sad to talk. I will write this to explain to my mum. And who else... You?

Call me bitter, I'll make you a (bad) coffee, and I'll begin. I have a story.

Below: Art, music and experienciography, and mental health resources.Puns are one of my coping mechanisms, and art of course..

Pencil Drawing: “Deep Rest”. Sea creatures and music rests. Art by The Mollusc Dimension (Squid), Low Key Zine (2016)

Pen Drawing: Beagle dog by the sea. The water has psychedelic ripples. The sun is half visible beyond the water. The Art by The Mollusc Dimension (Squid), Low Key Zine (2016)

The drawing above was one of the images I had in my mind when I wrote the song, “Take Me Back to the Ocean”.

I transform depression into magical art and music. I want to uplift people, but I want to remind you that it begins as a coping mechanism. “A song about discovering, remembering and creating with whatever life gives you, this fantastical, absurdist story is brought to you by an East-Asian, British artist who magically transforms his surroundings using everyday materials he found at home. Largely made under UK cv-19 lockdown…”

Experienciography:

Watching Travis Alabanza perform “Burgerz” got me asking questions.

I recently saw a short film “Jess” (2018) starring Vanessa Nguyen, produced by the GFS crew. For the first time, I saw a teenage me.

I wrote this before I experiencing some movement work with co-facilitator David Kam at a workshop “I See You, I See Me” run by We Create Space. As a 41-year old, I’ve not had much if any experience of BESEA speakers, LGBTIQ+ practitioners or movement instructors. It was great to be in a breakout room with David, and got me thinking about sharing my story more.

Love Life of an Asian Guy: “There are so many Asian students who go through this transition from “I can do anything if I study hard and do well in school” to “what does my life even mean outside of school?” … “There’s nothing wrong with seeking validation from work. But there is something wrong with societies designed to make people feel exceptional ONLY if they excel within the confines of the education and corporate system.”

Mental health resources that might be helpful

THERAPY

BAATN - The Black, African and Asian therapy network (UK)

Pink Therapy - Gender and Sexual Diversity Therapy in the UK

HELPLINES

Mind Infoline: 0300 123 3393 (UK)

Samaritans Call 116 123 (for free in the UK)

If you are not UK based, please search for a support line that you can use where you are.

Searching for mental health resources on the internet may give you something useful, whether it’s information, validation or a distraction.

Home

Depression is political

Mental health resources that might be helpful